40 hours no more no less

I left work earlier than usual today, because even though I get paid to stay, I don't know that they deserve my time. Frankly I don't know if there is anything I can do other than resign myself to a mindless job of doing what I have been told. Really I should be and may get to the point that I will be grateful that I am free of any responsibility regarding extended duties, and the stresses of trying to actually make things better. I guess mostly I am feeling a little bit under appreciated and wondering what kind of job could I get where my contribution would be valued again. I want to be valuable in my employment, but to do what they are asking of me takes very little of what I have worked to achieve up to this point. I would love to use my skills to bolster and improve something, but at this point I am regulated to the suffocation point.

Do they think I am a teenager? Does experience, a degree, good ideas,and a having a brain mean nothing to these people? I honestly felt and still sometimes feel that I have something to offer, but some peoples attitudes and interactions make me wonder.

Unfortunately Friday is only once a week

This week has been a roller coaster, but for the most part I have been able to separate myself from work dramas. Separate not meaning physically, just emotionally as much as possible. My sister-in-law had a link to an editorial writer that has a lot to say about political stuff. I have to wonder with the "war of words" that this world is full of who if anyone has "the truth". I think I hve agreed with a lot he says, I especially like his treatment of gay "marriage" and all the implications that it has, they were actually straightforward in there explanations of why the arguments don't quite fit. Think what you may, he definitely provides a different opinion that some.

I think I am done. Suerte!

But today isn't

Life is going well enough and getting myself removed from the anxieties of work is making a big difference. We had a meeting yesterday that I got through well enough and we might have some progress from these efforts after all. We will see, and I am extremely glad that I am getting out of the personalizing that I was doing with the job, several things are overwhelmingly huge right now and to have a perspective of no end in sight has worn me down along with the other difficulties of the job.

Yesterday I watched a neat Nightline piece called "The Deep Dive" from a friends suggestion. It is about innovation, invention, and design. I liked the thoughts against typical corporate culture, in favor of a new system. This link goes to the first of three segments on youtube and the others are accessible through the related videos. It had a great statement about innovation "Enlightened trial and error succeeds over the planning of the lone genius" I like that.

Good luck everyone...If you are depending on luck :D

Yesterday is over...Thankfully

So Gwen didn't have the greatest day yesterday and so Jane didn't either. In the end Gwen went to bed without her binky though, so that was new and interesting, maybe it is the first sign that we can start trying to get her off them. I don't know all that was going on, but hopefully sleep will help the household have a better day today, and especially a better night.

Work will most likely be a unique experience tonight and getting through a meeting we have scheduled today might be rough, but overall things are looking up from here I think.

Writers Block

Bck n th swng

So I am now getting back into the habit of writing every day and hopefully my content quality can go up so I am not only expressing disgust, stress, and depression. Last night was pretty good I hit Albertsons on the way home and bought a bunch of cereal and things for the house. It seems like I spend a lot of money on food lately, but since that is the only thing I spend money on regularly I guess I should be grateful. I bought a big bag of rice since Jane decided to like rice for the time being and a few other things as well. Jane tried out our slicing board and made potato chips last night, they were quite good.

Wii fit has been quite fun over the past several weeks, but I have yet to see any weight results from adding daily exercise to my routine, I think it has helped with some of the stress I have been facing though. I really need to work on my food consumption next and eliminate all the treats and snacks when I am at home. Eating at work is pretty much under control which is nice and if I can work on eating when I am at home I will be much better off. I did well last night thankfully.

I got feeds on a few more blogs yesterday and am enjoying reading different peoples stuff. Now I just need to get writing and enjoy the experience again.

Alejarse

This was a better word than I could come up with in English so I am including it for your benefit. The best fit for the specific sentiment I wanted to express in English, that I have found so far, would be withdraw. I am making a concentrated effort this week to withdraw from the stresses and strains and politics of my job and really just let it go. It will be a long time, if it ever happens, before my workplace will change and honestly it is not worth the effort to "kick against the pricks" because they aren't going to change.

On a much lighter note I am looking for hobbies other than reading/writing blogs. I would like to make an attempt at programming, podcasting, or some other technology thing. Maybe I should make a renewed effort to making my audio books that I thought of doing once. I wish I knew how to market myself, because my dream job would be "Technology Consultant". I could teach people all sorts of things that they can do with their computer systems. How to really be a power user or come in and complete special projects for them on demand. My experience is so varied that it is hard to quantify it as any field in particular. I have lots of ability and drive it is really the vision that I am missing and something to try and accomplish.

Lost Perspective

Yeah I know mine isn't the best in the world and most likely won't change overnight, but I need to find something to latch onto and filter out the rest of the muck. I have wanted since this summer to look into programming applications for iPhone and iPod touch. I have a computer that would work great and I think I could learn the language pretty well the only struggle I have is that I don't have all that many innovative application ideas, and I really want my contribution to be innovative. There is also the budding desire I am experiencing to get back into making videos and things. I really enjoyed experiences in High School making movies with my friends and enjoying the living for the minute type of existence.

Work has become very problematic these last few weeks and the stresses of accomplishing a job when people don't seem to understand what you do or support you in doing it can be a daunting task. I am hoping this week to detach any personal investment in this job and simply let it be a job, do what I can and forget the rest. If I can do that then I might be able to conserve some energy to approach something in life worth my time. I really want to create something and experience life again. I think one of the hardest experiences with moving and being so far from Cedar and separated as much as we are is the severe isolation we are experiencing.

Isolation takes a toll on everyone, and I think a great deal of my difficulties is the isolation I feel. In Cedar we were able to visit family very frequently, and friends quite often too, I also had friends at school and at work. Eagle Mountain is a completely different experience as we are far from my family and not extremely close to Jane's either. Our ward in Cedar was complimentary to our non social personas since I had known many of the people in the ward for a long time and the demographics fit very well with our own. Here the extent of my social sphere is work with two other people in the cave I work in and others I interact with on a less frequent basis, and church on Sundays.

There are no random meetings at Walmart no regular game days with friends or family. I have wondered how to make friends again, but my personality has such a strong conflict with social things. Jane and I have our fun games to play with people yet it is so hard to know who to invite and how to invite or what. I miss having a more simple life. I miss school and the naturally social environments that I was put in where I was forced into those experiences that helped me enjoy life more. I guess when you only truly interact with so many people in a day or a week your world shrinks a little and becomes colder and harder and much less manageable.

I really wish I knew how to reach out more and be more social and things. I guess I just need to start somewhere. ... Sorry I think I need to go...

No Comprendo!

That is what one of my supervisor should say more often, but she plugs along assuming she understands it all. I can't help but feel it is a little like talking to my Grandma, and I feel for my mother. I say this because there are moments when everything is really quite clear or we have made it as clear as possible and then she totally misunderstands and is totally confident that she is right. Sometimes there is just no comprehension and yet on she goes. I actually was a little terse today and tried to lay it on the line a little more than I would normally, because she just doesn't seem to get it. We will see in about a week where all of this ends up and what I have to do to adapt and cope. Sad that cope is the word that comes to mind, but right now that is about how the situation works.

It is funny writing this right now I am actually aloof of the problems and a lot better than writing in the mornings. Things ended alright today and I am feeling good even if it is a weekend (yeah be confused and see if I care). I just have to separate myself from people that don't understand and make things work for myself and we might just make it.

Good luck all ... And I think I will be happy for nap time tonight

Poor Dying Laptop

So my laptop has severe power issues, if any of you know about my moms old laptop the battery gave out to the point that it didn't really function w/out being plugged in. My laptop is about there, at a full charge I can get about 30-60 minutes today it was considerably less and even interrupted me while I was writing this. I will probably breakdown eventually and buy a new battery, but not yet. I am excited today I got was able to download my last w-2 so I will be able to do my taxes very soon, although I should probably wait for my 1099 to come in. We should get some kind of rebate that will help boost us up, even though we won't get the $7500 tax credit that would have been very welcome. What is special about 4/8/2008 really? It makes no sense and it a huge slap in the face since I was ahead of it by less than 2 weeks. I guess we just have to make do and realize that this is just more evidence that government isn't the solution. Maybe if the rebate is enough I might even be able to get a new battery for my poor little faithful friend.

This laptop is going to be 3 in June, but it still works quite well and gets me through what I need to do. It has been quite a good investment overall.

Two days left this week

This week hasn't been off the charts bad so in comparison it could even be labeled good. I will be grateful however when it is over since it has really been jumpy up and down. Jane had a pretty good birthday yesterday I think, so I was glad about that. Not much else to say right now I guess so... later.

Derailed

That's what I feel like right now that I was headed somewhere and now
I am off the side of the tracks wondering where I was going, what
happened that put me where I'm at, and if adrenaline can help you lift
a caboose off you back.

It seems that at some point I must have had some kind of aspirations,
but now where am I, where am I going, and why?

Sorry more than a little lost right now.

Super Guy
(somewhere)

Where things stand

So last week was ... not so great. Honestly this week doesn't seem that it will be all that much better. I think I figured out some of my difficulties talking with Jane this weekend in that my job is too poorly defined right now. Any given day I can go in to work and not know what it is I am going to do until I start doing it. I don't know that I have ever had a job that was so poorly established when I took it over, even when I have had a job that never existed before the people at least knew what they wanted it to be. Here I cam into a job that management doesn't have a glimmer of knowing what it is I do, and can't be bothered with organizing the structure and management so I can do it.

That being said ...blah and I probably am going to try avoiding talking about work when I am not at work because it has become a plague that is slowly eating my sanity away into nothing. Sad part is that the duties and the job are pretty cool maybe even enjoyable when I am not dealing with the people that make it so unbearable and the other issues.

I have been having all sorts of problems and stresses for nearly a year now and my goodness I am getting worn out to no end. Who knew life could become so messed up so quickly. What I thought were good opportunities have all come back to take a bite out of my comfort and happiness. It seems that almost every choice and direction has been not only difficult, but a complete mistake and that if anything I have lost an immense amount of ground on my life. Life is day to day now, and I can't see far beyond that. Too many walls and not enough doorways. Even fewer windows (if you could see my office you would understand).

...

Playstation 3 (to utterly change topics) is a pretty cool gaming system, I like to be able to turn the thing on and play without needing to change discs and things. Jane and I have been working more on a game called PixelJunk Monsters. It is a tower defense game. I have almost finished the basic game and the expansion set levels by myself and on the 2 player version we have beat it through completely at least 2 times and are now working on the "Hard Core" difficulty settings. We even started doing step exercises with Wii Fit while playing. (Yes we have a Wii and a PS3, plenty of story not going to bother telling it)

I decided to look up some episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on youtube last week. It is a pretty goofy show, but it is fun to see what someone must have thought was a good idea for a movie at some point in time. How to you like the laziness of me just including Wikipedia links? I figure if you want to know more that is an easy way to do it.

I enjoy Wikipedia, it has all kinds of information on so many different topics, just recently for example I looked up things about computer file compression. Pretty interesting how you can take information and condense it. There is even an entry for Kosher Dill pickles.

Great Stuff that is what I say.

Hagoda

Fat hits the fryer

I don't even want to try and think about what to say, but hopefully today brings some resolution.

Worn out

I'm at home and ready for the week to be over sad that tomorrow is
just Friday. The three day weekend will be more than welcome after
today and what tomorrow will likely bring.

Foreboding is more than a feeling it is a way of life.

Super Guy
(on the move)

If I were a drinker

Not a great we let's just leave it at that.

Super Guy
(on the move)

So um... Yesterday

So I didn't post yesterday and that is because I didn't go to work. I ended up taking a sick day, although it was more of an emotional breakdown day. I got to bed a little later than I wanted to on Sunday night so I decided to set my alarm later and do exercises Monday evening instead of morning. Morning came and I woke up at the earlier exercise time, and I tried to get back to sleep, didn't happen. I finally did get out of bed had my shower and ended up heading out the door late.

As I drove around the corner I realized I was going to miss my bus and since the next one didn't come for another 30 minutes I might as well turn around and go back to the house. This is about where I snapped for any and all of the reasons I can imagine. I was in no shape to go to work as I walked in the house mentally broken. I didn't quite feel right taking a sick day for that, but it probably was what I had to do. Lots of stresses that are piling up right now and I can't quite make headway on any of them it seems. I will just have to rewind and take it one step at a time. First this bus ride then the first hour then...

Good luck (if your depending on luck)

Deaf!!! (No the other kind)

Meeting with the manager over our program yesterday was a bit of a fiasco. I thought I had explained myself, the vision I have going forward the progress we have been making and then I get "So what I am getting from you is that you lack direction" (meaning supervision in her mind). First I was taken back because I don't remember saying that even remotely, and clarified that only one part of our job is missing direction and still needs to be defined however we have more than enough direction and vision of other things to be working on in the meantime. Apparently she didn't comprehend anything I said because our lack of guidance and direction was the only thing on her mind as we left the meeting. I of course did not know this until lunchtime when my supervisor told me she said that I had said I didn't have enough supervision or direction... What deaf ears my words had fallen on... Honestly selective hearing is worse than deafness, because if I were speaking with a deaf person there would be a little bit of an explanation.

Before this lunchtime revelation I had already started writing an email in followup to our meeting and it became as detailed and clear as I could get it by the end of the day. Perhaps the written word will hold some water, or I can at least hold her to it.

I just pray that I can detach myself enough that whatever happens won't affect me too much. I am just waiting for the micromanagement to start it is a looming cloud on the horizon that bears with it a storm that will more than hamper the trip I have started to take towards progress.

Good Luck people

Now what

Well today I might get an idea of what our manager wants my job to be
since I am slightly senior in my department. It is amazing how strange
the organization surrounding my job is structured. There is a weird
chain of command, and the people at top probably don't have much of an
idea what we even do, so even if the chain worked better it might not
even make a difference.

I guess I am a little frustrated with being in a group that is outside
the mainstream and being considered less seriously because of it. We
will see if I get to talk today in my "interview" and see what happens.

Sometimes I wish there was a rewind or a save/load function for life,
I think I would go back a year and try it all over again because I
totally missed the mark on almost everything. I don't know how or
when I will be able to move on to a little more stability, but I can't
wait for it.

Super Guy
(on the move)

Day 3

Yesterday wasn't nice compared to Monday, although still not the greatest experience in the world it is amazing how much effect snow can have on the commute up here. Luckily I have my laptop and ipod to keep me company. I had some work meetings yesterday and have a little more hope for things to work out, but not tons. The difficulties really come down to politics and ignorance. There is no clear administration over our "department" that has any say in the matter and without strong backing I don't see things changing anytime soon.

It is interesting to be in a situation where the chain of command won't work simply because the command doesn't know what you do or see the importance of it. I never understood the full need for structure until I got this job now I would love to have a manager that has the authority necessary to make changes, I miss the direct contact I have had with the decision makers in my previous jobs. Here it seems the decision maker sometimes doesn't even have the authority (or use it) to make changes and might not even understand that changes need to be made.

Well we will see what happens and if I can get anywhere in this mess.

Long week

We are on day 2 of tv work week, so why does it feel like a lot
farther along than that? Maybe it had to do with the fact that I
didn't get home yesterday until 4 hours after I left work. Bus rides
of nearly 3 hours can take a toll on a person. Distance and snow do
not mesh well up here.

This week may yield some benefits though as I hopefully get closer to
being able to do my job. I am doing some trainings on our database
program and meeting with someone to discuss the future of using the
database.

Of course it being a good day wasn't going to quite work since I had
to forget my bus pass and feel like a complete idiot. I hate when I do
that, and after a good start to the day it is even more frustrating,
luckily ylthe bus driver was nice enough to let me on as I showed him
my extra work badge I luckily had on me. It would have been even
easier had he been a more regular driver, we used to have one that was
there every morning and at least pretended to know you (most likely
did). Hopefully some of the forgotten pass stress will be gone by the
time I get to work and I can have an otherwise uneventful day.

Super Guy
(on the move)

Exercising

Jane decided she wanted a wii fit so I started looking at the end of last week, but she was the first to find one when the Walmart in Springville got a big shipment in and she just decided to check when she went with her sister. I figured since we were getting it that I would "resolve" to exercise using it. I had already decided that I was needing to exercise, but getting into a routine was a big problem. Having a set program for exercise will help since I don't have to figure out what exercises to do, I just have to go do it. I have to sacrifice a little more sleep, but hopefully it will be worth it.

Really cool website

My sister-in-law sent me a link to a church website for the youth that is really cool. It is called A Brand New Year as I understand it that was the title of the youth New Year's Eve program. The site has some great music to listen to and download as well as shorter versions you can use as ringtones. They have videos and things for reading. I hope the youth understand how cool it is that we have such a vibrant and aware church that wants to reach out to them in a way that they might be more familiar with, even including widgets that can be placed on Facebook etc. Heavenly Father loves us and looks out for us in a variety of ways through the leadership of the church, and there are good sources of uplifting entertainment and media, sometimes we just have to look harder.

Post 125

I figured labeling this post with its number is something that really identifies my numerical leanings. 125 is a cool number it is a cube, and of a prime no less, and I like numbers that can relate directly to quarters maybe because I can deal with them very quickly.

There is a square number of passengers on the bus today, once again a square of a prime. All nine of us unfortunate ones on our way to work for one day before the weekend. Not bad though when it comes down to it I would rather come back for one than to deal with two. Jane had some of her nephews and niece over for a couple of days this week and they had a lot of fun. I have been able to explore my Christmas present "Little Big Planet" and it is a really fun game.

The neetest parts of the game are that you can build your own levels and objects with all sorts of tools and materials. I was able to make little car things yesterday that would go really quite fast. I think the game will be really fun to work with and build fun contraptions. Writers block is coming on, I think in part because my nose and one of my eyes is acting funny (like an allergy thing or something).

Hagoda